You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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