i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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