it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
