I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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