he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
