I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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