I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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