So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
