I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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