I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Plan B is the new Plan A
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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