How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
