he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
