What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
