my room smells like sperm. sweet.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
