What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
