I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
