Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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