my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
