if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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