whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
