whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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