Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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