WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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