we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
There are leaves in my underwear?
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