omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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