My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
