I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
