We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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