I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
