i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
