So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
