I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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