So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
