Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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