wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
