I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
