The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
