now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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