so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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