I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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