John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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