I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
