i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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