here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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