like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
