I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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