Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
