I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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