don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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