I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Shame - the story of my life.
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