My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
