Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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