just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
