How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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