If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
