She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
