Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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